Twins for the Show: Learning to Juggle Twins

Originally published in the Syracuse Islander on February 8, 2011.

I admit it.  My children watch too much TV.  I can’t wait until it warms up a bit and I can send the kids outside.  But until then, my kids are inside and the television is often on.  I’d like to tell you it’s all educational.  And actually, for the most part it is.  But even the Science Channel runs commercials.

My kids have always been extra susceptible to commercials.  I came to this realization slowly.  I remember years ago pushing my daughter, then 3 years old, through the supermarket while she explained to me why I needed each product.  “If you use that mom, you’ll never have to clean your shower again.”  She’d quote commercials word for word.  I didn’t know if I should be impressed or appalled.

My kids don’t just notice products for moms.  Oh no. They pick out the toys they want for their birthdays months in advance—all thanks to commercials.  You know, the stuff they just have to have. Bendaroos and a doll that uses the potty are the most recent.

It’s getting worse.  They’ve moved beyond commercials and onto infomercials. I hope they’re not the only children drawn in by each new incredible offer.  I fear they might be.  They’ve been wooed by the Snuggie, the Fushigi Magic Gravity Ball, and most recently, Easy Feet, a hands-free foot scrub brush.

For Christmas I received a Yoshi Blade.  My 3 year old immediately recognized the knife from TV and went crazy. Last week I broke the knife out and gave it a whirl on some fruit. My son was right by my side in awe. As I stood there chopping away with my new ceramic knife, he would not stop talking.  He gave me a complete rundown of the Yoshi Blade, reenacting the infomercial.  “That’s the sharpest knife in the world mom! You can cut metal and then a tomato!  That’s so cool!  You’re so cool! Be careful with your fingers mom.  That’s the sharpest knife in the world.”   He knew all about the product and was obeying all the product’s rules.  The Yoshi Blade had his complete attention-not an easy feat.  Very interesting. The Yoshi Blade was onto something.

Maybe the strategy to success as a mother lies in the infomercial.  What we need are infomercials to solve real mom problems.  I don’t need a hands-free foot scrub brush or a magic ball that defies gravity.  But I do need the kids to eat all their dinner, let their baby brothers sleep, and clean up their toys when they’re done with them.

Maybe my infomercial could go something like this: One-of-a-kind, magic dinner plate that every kid wants and every mom must have!  This enchanting plate makes all vegetables appear has candy! What child can’t resist vegetables disguised as candy!

Or, my personal favorite “momfomercial”: Introducing the amazing Toy Zapper!  A revolutionary device that helps children of all ages pick-up all the toys in their room at lightening speed!

Where are those infomercials?  And, if they were on TV would my kids be as impressed with a lightening-fast Toy Zapper?  Probably Not.

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